Tears: I hold them back, until pain pushes them out
If you see me crying, know that you are witnessing pain that I hope you never have to feel.
Whether it is one single tear rolling down my cheek or many pouring out of my eyes, they still represent the kind of pain you secretly wish upon the most wickedest of people.
Types of tears
Mourning
Living with chronic pain from illnesses such as fibromyalgia, psoriatic arthritis, endometriosis, abdominal adhesions, degenerative disc disease, and coccydynia forced me to change my life. Like most other chronically ill people, I had to say good-bye to my old life. We literally bury our old lives. We don’t move on, instead we start anew, which is terrifying in a body that is riddled with diseases we know nothing about.
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Fear
It doesn’t matter what type of disease a person has, it could be an autoimmune, neurological, or parasitic disease and each person will fear what the future holds for them. How long until they can’t walk? How fast will their disease progress? What if a cure is never found? Will I ever find pain relief? How can I afford to live? Who will take care of me?
Frustration
With every chronic illness comes frustration. We are frustrated by many things such as but not limited to: not being able to do what we could before becoming sick, having our friends, family, and even doctors doubt our pain and illness, over the cost of care and medications that rarely help, from trying to be stronger than you are……
Physical pain
Even with the best pain management plan, chronic pain is always there. Even when I managed to bring my daily pain level down to 0-3, I was devastated by the pain I experienced from my car accident last year and later the fall I took while on my morning walk. When I fell, the pain pushed the tears out of my eyes. I had no idea I was even crying until my daughter noticed. People who have lived in pain as long as I have don’t cry for no reason. Nor do we cry over minor pain. So if someone who has lived with pain for 20 years starts crying because of a pain, it is serious.
Because I live with multiple chronic illnesses, I was shocked to be able to reduce the pain from all of them for as long as I did. Unfortunately, the damage that I have sustained in my abdomen (problems with endometriosis and adhesions began in 2003) are continually presenting themselves and the worst part is there is nothing I can do to stop it. Whenever I think I have calmed the storm that is taking place inside my belly, it comes back and laughs in my face. I am trying to be strong, I am trying to not allow it to disrupt my life, I am trying to hide from my family just how bad it is, but I am failing…… the tears that I keep whisking away give it all away……..
I am not going to tell you to hold back your tears. Nor am I going to tell you to spend the rest of your life crying. What I am going to tell you is this: Trust your instincts! Fight for your body! Don’t give up and try everything. Thankfully I do have a great pain management plan that is keeping all my other chronic illnesses happy at the moment. I honestly do not believe that I could go on if they were all flaring at the moment. Find what works for you, even if it means doing what I did which was trying things that aren’t considered the norm in our healthcare system.
Never be ashamed of your tears. They talk when your mouth can’t bring forth the words you need to say.
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