I have been humming Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie all week long. Why you ask? For many reasons, but not all that you might expect.
Pressure pressing down on me… #UnderPressure #WotW #endometriosis #chronicpain
Under Pressure from Endometriosis
Earlier in the week, I shared more details about my battle with endometriosis. Did you miss the post? Read it here. Yes, this old broad has a condition that most people only connect with younger women or assume that it should have been relieved after my hysterectomy.
I began treating pain with cannabis in 2013. One of the reasons I love it is that instead of masking pain, it reveals the source of my pain. I know it sounds insane, but from day one it has guided me to my pain sources. Knowing where the source of my pain is has helped me address those points, which led to more pain relief.
In the past month, after medicating, I can feel the band of adhesions squeezing around my entire rib cage. I can also feel what feels like a tube embedded into and down my right sidewall. The knotty mass feels similar to the knot I had on my left side when my Fallopian tube had embedded itself into that sidewall. Relief of any kind is only achieved when I lie in bed for a few days. Unfortunately, it resumes as soon as I sit or walk. The degree it returns depends on how active I attempt to be.
My ribs feel like they are being crushed by a thick rubber band. #endometriosis #chronicpain #UnderPressure #WotW
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Under Pressure to Feel Better
Unlike the chronic pain, I experience from fibromyalgia and psoriatic arthritis, there is nothing I can do to relieve the pain or prevent another attack. I take that back, I could do what I did in 2016 when I had my last severe attack and ride Space Mountain until I rip all the adhesions away. While I may have felt brave about doing it then, I also wasn’t able to feel knots in my muscles the way I am now. I fear that this time a full-on Disney thrill ride therapy might be the end of me.
I will never get better. Let me rephrase that. My condition will never improve. I may catch a break now and then. But with the extent of damage inside of me, it would be a miracle if even the best and most experienced surgeon could help.
What I hope to improve is how I live my life so that I am not living in a state of feast or famine. For now, the best I can do is what I am doing by keeping my other chronic illnesses as happy as possible.
I will never get better, but that won’t stop me from finding a better way to live with this pain #1in10 #endometriosis #chronicpain #WotW #UnderPressure
Under Pressure to Resume My Regular Life
This pressure is self-imposed. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband and understanding children who have never pressured me to rush back to normal. It is I, on the other hand, who is antsy and wants some normalcy back into my life.
While talking with my therapist this week, I realized how much my life has changed. The normalcy I am currently craving is a way of life that took many years to accept. Since my first chronic illness diagnosis in 2001, I have had to make changes to accommodate my illnesses. I felt the same way with each new diagnosis. All I wanted was my old life back. Later, I would refocus on living better with my limitations in mind. In time, I accepted my new life. So here I am, once again, refocusing, relearning, and hoping that someday I can accept the changes I need to make in my life.
What’s your word of the week?
Now it’s your turn to have this song stuck in your head!