Today, November 12, is my birthday.  As a child I always looked forward to my special day, but as I grew older I began dreading it.  In a way I am like Peter Pan, I don’t want to grow up.  Well, that’s not necessarily true.  I don’t mind being an adult, I just didn’t like seeing my age in numbers.  My 30th birthday really bothered me and because of that I told everyone I was 29 for about 7 years! Funny thing is that turning 40 didn’t bother me at all.  Today I turn 47.  I thought it would bother me as I am now getting very close to 50.  However, I am not bothered by it at all and here is why:

I spent my 30’s and most of my 40’s trying to reclaim the physical life I had before my chronic illnesses took over my body.  I was always looking backwards.  Every day was filled with thoughts of wishing I could do this or that again.  Sadly that way of thinking kept me from living in the present or for the future.

Two and half years ago I decided to make some changes in my life, changes that gave me a new lease on life.  First thing I did was to stop dreaming about the life I used to have.  Instead I began thinking about ways to do what I wanted.  This meant thinking outside the box and ignoring my impulse of doing things the way I used to.  The second was to change how I treat my conditions.  For 14 years I treated my conditions with pharmaceutical medications that did nothing but make me sicker than I already was.  Thanks to the medicinal powers of marijuana, I have experienced relief that I never knew was possible.  Am I pain free? Have I been cured?  The answer to both is NO, but the relief and measurable improvements have given me a new life.  Last but not least, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself.  So what if I couldn’t physically do what I used to do.  So what if I have to do things differently.  I am alive and my life has a purpose, even if I don’t always know what that purpose is.

Two and a half years ago I wanted to die.  It is now my hope to live a very long life, even if that means living with constant pain.  Each birthday is a milestone.  Each year is filled with challenges and health battles.  Instead of dreading my birthdays, I now celebrate and proudly proclaim its number, because each year signifies that I am a survivor.

My birthday wish for you is that you will let go of the past and live for tomorrow by accepting your conditions and learn to live life differently.

Gentle hugs,

The Disabled Diva

Tagged: arthritis, birthday, chronic illness, chronic pain, degenerative disc disease, fibro, fibromyalgia, health, invisible disabilities, medical marijuana, medicinal marijuana, mental-health, MMJ, MS, new life, pain, pain pals, psoriatic arthritis, spoonie, spoonies, wheelchair, wish