What the heck is a healing day? I refer to the days when my body has had enough and forces me to rest. Sometimes these days follow a day or period of time spent pushing past my limits, and sometimes it is just my body’s way of saying “I am tired”.
A healing day or period of days begins by being zapped of all physical strength. No amount of brain power can overcome it. These are the days when I find it impossible to not only move about my home, but also lack the strength to sit up. The room spins every time I attempt to stand, walk, or sit up. On these days my brain is filled with pain as well. It actually hurts to think, and holding a conversation is next to impossible. I struggle to push a few words from my mouth and when I succeed the words rarely make sense. Because I am unable to concentrate my only activity is to watch reruns of my favorite shows. During this time I will sleep, sleep, and sleep. If I am lucky I will be able to stay awake for an hour at a time. There is no fighting my conditions when these days strike, I have learned to just suck it up and ride them out.
I am sure you are wondering why I am referring to such hellish days as healing days. Here is why. When my body hits this point it is telling me that it can’t go on and is desperate for rest. When this period of rest is over my body returns to its regularly scheduled pain. My body is not healing, instead it is gearing up and preparing itself for battle. Because that is what I do on a daily basis, I battle pain! For me any day that my brain is functioning and allows me to converse and write is a good day, no matter how intense my physical pain is. Because of this I am always thrilled to have my brain functions return to normal and find myself feeling mentally renewed and alive. As much as I despise having days where I am not able to function in any matter, I have learned to appreciate the rest of my days when I am only affected by physical pain.
The amount of days that this period lasts or how frequent they occur varies greatly. As much as I wish there was, there is no way to predict or prevent a healing period from occurring. In the past a healing period could last any where from one to twenty days. Since I began medicating with marijuana my longest span has been three days. I used to experience these days on a weekly basis, now it is not uncommon for me to go months without being completely knocked out.
It took many years, but over time those that live with me have learned to spot the signs of my entering a healing period. Instead of speaking in sentences, I speak in fragments that rarely make sense and I often slur or mumble. I will look confused when asked a normally easy question. I become indecisive, not by choice, but because it hurts too much to think. Although I spend the majority of my time in bed, I am usually sitting up. A clear sign that I have entered this healing period is when my head never leaves my pillow.
I used to beat myself up over all that didn’t get done during these periods of rest, now I accept that my body just needs a break. This doesn’t mean that I am not frustrated or sad about the loss of time and brain function, it just means that I have learned that fighting it only makes it worse and last longer.
In the end everything goes back to normal. My battle continues until it is time to enter my next period of rest and healing. So no, healing doesn’t mean that I am cured or even feeling 75%. Healing for me is regaining the mental energy and clarity needed for conversations, to write, and to make decisions. I have just emerged from a two day healing period this past week. It had been awhile since my last one and I found myself feeling pissed off and depressed about being stuck in this state. Then after awaking from nap number 4, I told myself to relax and to give my body the rest it is requiring. I only checked off three small items off of my lengthy list last week and that is okay, because I know that when my body and brain are ready I will eventually get to the rest. Since emerging from this state I feel mentally healed and ready to start living again. My body disagrees, but then again my brain and body are rarely in agreement.
If this post has a point, it is that how you perceive your life of pain can and will influence how you live your life. You can label it horrific or hellish, or you can find the good in every situation, even the days spent drooling on your pillow.
Wishing you a week of lessened pain and lots of smiles!
The Disabled Diva