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My song

What “Let it Go” means to me        ZOE_0163_1

Some think I am a bit off my rocker for being so obsessed with Frozen. Those who know and accept my being a Disney addict are not surprised. It is those who don’t get my love of Disney that think I am crazy. I must admit that it isn’t so much the story line that has me hooked, it’s the song “Let it Go”, that I can’t get enough of. Don’t get me wrong, I love the movie, but as a Disney addict there aren’t many Disney movies that I don’t like. So what is it about the song “Let it Go”, that has me singing it from the top of my lungs everywhere and anywhere? I have never been able to instantly come up with a song when someone has asked me to pick a song that describes me or my life. I used to say that Gloria Gaynor’s song “I will survive” was my theme song, because I was a survivor. I survived sexual abuse and as long as I am alive I am a chronic pain survivor. But then came “Let it Go“.  This is truly MY theme song and here are the lyrics and a breakdown of how I relate.

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation
And it looks like I’m the queen

 

**As a child it was the times I wasn’t being abused that gave me the false sense of security…thinking maybe I had finally figured out the way to make my abuser happy…..I have felt and feel the same way whenever I have a “good” spell since chronic pain has taken over my body. It was/is only in those moments that I felt/feel that I am in control.***

 

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I’ve tried
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

 

***sensing my abuser nearby, hearing him breath, smelling his scent…I built walls in my head..I may not have been able to protect my body, but I did everything possible to mentally block what was about to happen….I hid my pain and shame from the world. Trying so hard to be the good girl that no one would want to hurt…But one can only hide for so long… As an adult living in physical pain I used to and still do quite often, hide how much I really hurt. I would pretend that I was able bodied only to crash and burn and pay a steep price all because I didn’t want to let anyone down. As my health conditions progressed it became harder and harder to hide the truth.***
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

 

***I was finally able to deal with and move on from my childhood abuse as an adult… I had to let it all go, this included my abuser. I was able to let him go, along with the emotional pain, shame, and the feeling that I was unworthy of being loved….I couldn’t worry about what others would think..for all they saw was the pretty pictures that I had painted for them. As for my continuing years of living in physical pain I had to reach the point of not letting my diseases take away from the person I really am. They may control how I physically feel, but I am  in control of how I react on an emotional level.***

 

It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

 

***Although new memories still surface to this date, the more time that passes since setting myself free from my abuser seems to make dealing with them easier. Yes they still hurt, but having  the width of continent between us helps quiet my fear… My abuser and my memories are no longer in control, I AM FREE…  For years some of my conditions were ignored or missed by doctors..Now that I am pretty sure of all I am dealing with, the fear of not knowing how long until I lose more physical freedoms is easier to calm because I finally have a greater understanding of what expect.  I am free from the unknown…There are no rules when it comes to my conditions, they have minds of their own… but my fear is less. ***

 

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I stay
Let the storm rage on

 

**I can’t say you will never see me cry… as a child I cried and cried, secretly hoping someone would uncover the truth… …Horrific physical pain has caused me to cry for no reason other than my mind and body were consumed with pain…. Now when you see me cry it is because I, for the most part. have control over my emotions.  Dealing with my past and being able to achieve a decent level of pain relief for my body has allowed me to feel real emotions…not those that I felt I had to portray to the world… ***

 

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back, the past is in the past

 

**The past is in the past!!!! He can’t hurt me anymore! And I am never going back.  As for my physical pain, the mistakes  my doctors made are in the past…I can’t change them….***

 

Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

 

**The good little girl that kept her mouth shut is gone…The woman in pain that hid behind the idea of being the perfect housewife is gone…. The woman that sits, standing is too painful, before you today is alive, she has and will continue to survive….My storm is the pain from my conditions and the additional  memories that will surely surface someday… But it’s okay, because  the pain never bothered me anyway….I wouldn’t be here if it did….okay yes, it bothers me….but no longer to the point of wanting to end my life……***

Do you have a song that reflects your life?

Till next time,
Gentle hugs,

The Disabled Diva

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